'Love Doctor' Terri Orbuch recently discussed some of these misconceptions in her column, which may be seen at http://www.freep.com/article/20091004/COL39/910040331/1025/Features05/Relationship-IQ-test-separates-myth-from-reality
Let's just take a look at two of the most common misconceptions we often have, as touched on by Dr. Orbuch.
At the beginning of a relationship, we see our partner for who he or she really is.
When a relationship is just beginning, we will usually try to present our best side to the other party, attempting to hide our flaws. Only with time will we reveal more of our true selves; who we really are. According to the social exchange theory, most people form relationships with those we perceive will result in greater rewards than cost. Just take a look at the Johari window below. At the start of the relationship, the public self of each individual is roughly equivalent to their private self, hidden self, and unknown self.
As the relationship progresses, both individuals will find out more about each other, as well as themselves. This will result in the public self taking up the most area in the relationship. However, the Johari window doesn't apply to all relationships the individual has, but is different for every interpersonal relationship, specific to those two individuals in question.
The best relationships are ones that have no conflict.
Conflict within a relationship takes place due to differences in perception. Although conflict is most commonly associated with being a potential destroyer of relationships, conflict can be functional: helping to build the relationship. Conflict can help us to better understand each other, and our personal points of view. If there is a total absence of conflict, it is possible that there is insufficient communication taking place within the relationship, as the two parties don't even know what they don't agree on.
Yes i do agree that conflicts are a natural process of a developing relationship. We definitely do not crave for conflicts but we need them to understand our partner better. Even twins have conflicts; what more for 2 individuals who have not known each other for the past few decades?
ReplyDeleteHow a conflict is formed and resolved can also reveal much of a person's character and tendecies. Not only does confilct serve to educate the other about the partner's tendencies and prefernces, conflicts also reveal a lot of their problem solving or emotional quotient level. You wouldn't want to live with someone who has low emotional quotient and does not care a fly for you isn't it?
When one has a conflict, then you find out that someone doesn't have the same view that you hold. This is useful for better understanding the other party.
ReplyDeleteKelly, you're right in saying that how people resolve conflict also shows much of their character. Someone who is petty and childish will only be concerned about getting his/her own way, and not care two hoots about you. This will be useful in determining if you'll like to continue in a relationship with someone like that.
Even as we reveal more of ourselves to the other party, reducing the area that comprises the private self and unknown self, don't you think the private self and unknown self will also keep growing? What I'm trying to say is that as we live our lives, we will naturally grow, and our entire Johari window should expand.
ReplyDeleteBelle, that's an interesting thought. The Johari window should keep growing as we get older, and our experiences, thoughts, and opinions change. We'll likely change along with them, and this too will affect how much space each quadrant takes up in addition to our relationships.
ReplyDeleteIf u didn't learn this, u may also not know right? :p
ReplyDeletebut using supposed common sense is common. Recently psychologists have criticised the folk psychology used by interrogators, as fatigue won't just make suspects confess but cause false memories.